Lack of love and toxic relationships in childhood significantly affect adulthood. Rehabilitation is possible and necessary. The main thing is to determine the problem, to form the right expectations, to navigate and notice your successes on the path of restoration.
“Among the numerous questions from people who have survived childhood with toxic parents, two appear most often,” writes Peg Strepe, author of the book “Bad Mothers: How to Overcome the Consequences of Family Infant Trauma”.
The first is about whether it is possible in principle to recover from the consequences of poor treatment in childhood. And the second – seemingly paradoxical, but understandable for those who had a serious traumatic experience – how to understand that the restoration process is successful.
PEG Streep answers the first question in the affirmative. As for the second question, it first addresses the Western understanding of the word “restoration”, “cure” (English Healing).
Strip recalls that this does not mean "as new". No one can promise that even as a result of rehabilitation after a toxic childhood, people will feel the same as those who have grown in love, awareness of their value, acceptance, respect for feelings and with parental support.
On the way to mental healing and the creation of safe ties and affection, which many people lacked at an early age, their false idea of the very process of restoration arises.
What does it mean to "recover after a difficult childhood"?
PEG Streep emphasizes that Western culture perceives restoration or rehabilitation as a transformation into an intact state. Indeed, literally this means "make whole". But in our minds, this is akin to the restoration of a picture or other artifact – as if there was no damage at all. This leads to unrealistic expectations.
It was not at all to become a toxic childhood, alas, it was impossible. But you can and quite really recover, "recover" from its consequences. And for starters, strip offers to turn to eastern culture.
The Japanese art of Kintsuga is an excellent metaphor – the restoration of a ceramic product, in which fragments are glued with varnish with the addition of copper or precious metals – gold, silver
Thus, a broken vessel or a bowl gain integrity, but traces of damage – the seams between the fragments – not only remain noticeable, but also create a pattern that gives rise to a new image. The spirit and nature of the old ceramics remains, its invincible character is manifested and the unique beauty of the recreated thing is born.
What you need to be healed?
Most children believe that they need to be “cured” from a lack of love in childhood. However, this is only the tip of the iceberg, says a strip. In fact, they should notice how exactly the motherly attitude made them “large” and “small”, what are the consequences in adulthood, so far unconscious.
Many believe that the character traits https://globalpharmacy24.com/drug/silvitra that prevent them from coming to happiness and prosperity are innate. But in fact they are acquired in childhood – which means that they may be healed. This is, for example, about the lack of adaptation skills – the runaway or denial of their feelings, attempts not to attract attention, an internal ban on expressing their opinion, the desire to please other people and so on.
To calm down at the moment of excitement, to determine and name your feelings, to feel comfortable, risking to manifest yourself in public, that in childhood a sensitive mother could teach, attentive to the emotional needs of the child
Underless children mistakenly concentrate on a lack of material love in the hope of healing from him. But the real work is to get rid of habits that put us at a dead end or slow down, and teach the same people around us in handling us.
It is better to do this in working with a good psychotherapist, but self -help can also support the processes of awareness and growth. The inner void, left by dislike in childhood, gradually begins to fill up – slowly but surely – and a person grows, changes and blooms.
“I do not believe that this emptiness will disappear completely, but ultimately it will become small enough to be a small detail in the personal history of a person, which will be much larger and richer with the radiant veins of new experience and connections, as a bowl restored by Kintsuga,” writes Pag Streep.
12 signs of recovery
Each child may have a lack of different skills and various traumatic experience – everything individually. A list of 12 points is expanded and very general, so you can choose from it what is responding to you personally. And although each has its own story, for most of the audience this list will be useful in determining the progress of rehabilitation.
The author also draws attention to the fact that restoration is a process, and weaning oneself from something, like teaching to a new one, does not happen linearly. It is completely normal when steps back occur when moving forward. You should not judge yourself strictly – in the expression of the strip itself, "this is not a sprint, but a marathon".
1. Calling your feelings, you are relieved
Insufficiently developed emotional intelligence is a very frequent phenomenon, especially if in childhood a person was ridiculed or shameful for a demonstration of emotions;They said that his feelings are not important, or persistently denied what he actually feels.
Since unloved children do not know how to cope with negative emotions, they tend to replace them from consciousness, even more complicating the process of awareness and accurate definition of their feelings. Fortunately, emotional intelligence is a set of skills that can be developed, trained and hone.
2. When something goes wrong, you no longer blame yourself for yourself
Self -accusation and self -criticism – the habit of attributing errors to unchanged character traits – are often found in many unloved children. Sometimes it is just an echo that the child heard from his parents, especially if the family was regularly made in the family. But this is also a way to avoid the need to tell yourself the truth or enter into a frightening confrontation. The ability to soberly look at mistakes and realize the role of others and their own, as well as other factors, are the most obvious signs of progress.
3. You are not overcome by painful doubts and obsessive thoughts
Yes, this is called self -confidence, and it begins with the sprouts that you carefully nurture until they get stronger. This is an antidote of a long -standing habit all night to build alternative scenarios in the head with events. The one that turns your every decision into a test and makes you doubt whether you are able to act correctly.
4. You are able to speak out without anxiety
Many children are afraid to give a voice and express their feelings and thoughts, the reasons are different. Some are accustomed to “leave the radars” and not attract attention, so as not to provoke a mother to an imminent aggression. Others grew up with high -support mothers and acquired a line that Dr. Craig Malkin called "echoism". Someone grew up, focusing on serving others in voiceing and satisfying their needs. All of them for healing need their voice.
5. You have become less sensitive to rejection and resentment
One of the features of anxious attachment, which was in childhood in many unloved children is constant vigilance, restless readiness for rejection signals or signs that the mother is going to leave them. And in the future it works as a “self -retentioning prophecy” – a constant intense expectation of the fact that you are rejected or abandoned, pushes people.
Such relationships from women are too dramatic, and men, as a rule, are not ready for this. The realization of what works for you as a trigger, and the ability to resist constant scanning of anxiety signals is a sign of progress.
6. You recognize, mark and neutralize triggers
Not only sensitivity to rejection, but also other attitudes and mechanisms acquired in toxic childhood, are gradually manifested with the development of awareness. Once you failed in them, but now everything is different. Having become adults, you yourself stand at the helm of your own life.
7. You respect other people’s boundaries and set your own
If for people with an alarming type of border attachment are signs of rejection, then for those whose type of attachment in childhood was avoiding, these are fortress walls to hold people at a distance. The increasing ability to see healthy boundaries and others means the willingness to build a healthier relationship. As soon as you begin to see yourself in all integrity, it becomes easier to look in this way in others.
8. You are proud of what you did and accept failures
Your ability to congratulate yourself and enjoy your progress along with the ability to accept miscalculations, mistakes and failures is another way to note how far you have already advanced. The ability to show compassion, especially in moments of failures, does not appear immediately, but this is an important marker. The old and deeply grown skill scold yourself mentally and emotionally deleted not very fast.
9. You begin to see your integrity
Another unpleasant legacy of toxic childhood is the inability to see yourself from different angles, in integrity. The habit of self -criticism highlights the shortcomings and makes you forget about the abilities and other strengths of the personality.
This view helps themselves with grown -up children to get rid of a negative attitude to their body and appearance – and in this area supercritical, dismissive or controlling mothers could have a destructive effect.
10. You have nothing more to be ashamed
This is a significant moment: the realization that the mother treated you badly for reasons that are hidden inside herself, and not through your fault. Shame that you are not loved, or a feeling of loneliness leading to isolation, go into the shadow as a grown child is restored and recovering. Understanding that others survived the same and experienced the same feelings, supports and helps not to assign responsibility for parental dislike.
11. You have personal goals
This is very important – especially because unloved children often experienced deep impotence, especially when it came to personal growth. It is likely that you are internalizing what you were told in childhood and adolescence, that is, you learn and perceive as your own attitudes.
These ideas may not be conscious or formulated, but inside you think that they reflect the “truth” about your abilities and capabilities. Surprisingly, all this is sometimes combined with external success and leads to what researchers call the "impostor syndrome". A woman who has reached a lot, inside feels like a fraudster who will soon be revealed. Setting goals and the embodiment of your own intentions step by step – this is a sign of real progress.
12. Now you are able to cope with your emotions
Perhaps before you were easily drowned in emotions or replaced them according to the habit gained in childhood. Now, using various techniques, you learn to cope little by little, noting small, but tangible steps forward. You can already withstand the stressful situation and think out the ways out of it, know how to calm yourself and not panic from the surging feelings. Success, as in everything along this path, comes gradually.
“Restoration is a long and slow process, but success at different stages can and should be noticed. Be yourself a guiding star and do not forget about compassion, even if old habits will remind of yourself, ”Pag Streep recalls.
